My parenting anxieties are mercifully mild compared to my general social anxieties. Can’t worry about absolutely everything all the time, now can we? When it comes to being a mother, I’m pretty confidant that I am a solidly “good enough” mother. I don’t know all the answers and I mess up plenty, but I’m usually able to soldier on in spite of the certainty that I’m fucking my kids at least a little even though I’m doing my best.
But this morning, I think I got something right! Like, really right. It was my reaction to a challenge we’ve faced many times with my son (and usually had little success.) He’s just turned six and he’s too damn smart for us sometimes, so he often outwits us and himself when we try to help him calm down from his tendency to quick, hot, unrelenting rage strokes about relatively minor things.
My generally darling Sweetie Bird had just launched himself whole-heartedly into an all out screamy-teary-snotty-drooly self-pity party about this blue Mardi Gras bead style necklace that he won yesterday and broke first this morning. A plastic necklace. Give me strength! I suggested an easy fix twisting the beads around each other to reconnect the necklace. This idea was met with additional outpourings of gross bodily mucus production and swiftly rejected, as were all subsequent ideas.
Finally, I made him get a tissue or seven and sit down with me on the couch.
The breakdown of the things I did well (read: that seemed to work):
- I described what I saw: he was upset that his necklace broke and frustrated that we couldn’t fix it like he wanted. This is empathy in action.
- I taught him a new word: relativize. Yes, it is sad that his necklace broke, but did he remember how it felt when the cats died? Was that the same, worse or not as bad? He said cat death was worse than plastic jewelry breakage. Thank gawd!
- I asked if getting increasingly more upset and refusing well-meaning suggestions was helping him feel better about what happened. He said it was not, but that nevertheless, the only thing that would make him feel better was if his necklace was fixed with glue. Unsure about our glue inventory status, I told him I could not fix the necklace.
- He continued to try his luck by giving me ultimatums: “I’m never gonna feel any better unless you let me watch an episode of Dr. Who.” First of all, Dr. Who would not appreciate that kind of rhetoric either. Second, I don’t take kindly to ultimatums and threats from a person 18″ shorter than me who depends on me for everything.
- Rather than laughing in his face, I asked him if that was an effective way to get what he wanted. Here’s where we had another vocab lesson – about ultimatums. How might you get permission to watch an episode in a way I would approve of? He asked nicely, if sheepishly, and that was that.
- THIS time, the crisis was diffused…this time. Will I be able to do it again next time he loses at Connect Four or gets mad at me for tossing the glass blob he found on the playground in the trash where it belongs so his baby sister doesn’t choke on it? That is the question.
If I can keep my own calm long enough to talk him down off the ledge, we might just both be ok.
Incidentally, I later found some superglue and glued the damn necklace back together this afternoon. I did kinda get in trouble with Fab because he had told Sweetie Bird no television this morning. In my desperation to achieve a non-tragicomic outcome, I had forgotten that agreement, but once I explained to Fab what a kick-ass resolution I had found to a serious near-death by child shit-fit crisis, he bowed down to my quick thinking conflict busting prowess and let it slide.
So, there you have it! A small but important victory. We just might be getting somewhere with this Generation Mindful stuff! Emotions can’t be ignored. Better to deal with them in the moment and try to understand them than stamp down where they will fester.
Maybe part of the reason I was able to manage this feat of extreme awesome parenting today is because I’ve begun learning to acknowledge my own emotions when I’m in crisis mode myself. Yikes, this level of introspection is blowing my mind a little bit. Better stop while I’m ahead.
Here’s to the hard fought, if not always clearly “won” battles as we do our best to raise decent, mostly happy humans! Just because we catch a break today, doesn’t mean tomorrow will come easily. Let’s not forget to give ourselves a break when we need it, too!
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your experiences in this domain – especially if you’ve got tips and tricks to share.
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