So, I invested in a “Time In Toolkit” by Generation Mindful * back in December. The three people in our family who can talk need some help emoting intelligently, so I was very excited when it came in the mail.
Then the holidays were happening.
Then I had a bunch of cool DIY projects going on and figuring out how to set up a Calming Corner (like in the photo below) and start using Time Ins sort of got shoved right past the back burner and into the crack where things go to be guiltily forgotten forever.
Who wouldn’t dig a chance to chill in this cool personalized Harry Potter-esque calming corner? Disclaimer: This child is not my child. I got this photo on the Gen:M website.
I was unpleasantly reminded (multiple times) about the need to try something new when we kept having these needlessly dramatic incidents. SOMETHING needed to be done. Fab has trouble with patience getting Sweetie Bird ready for school in the morning. Sweetie Bird goes from zero to infinity on the scale of freaking out at the slightest frustration. And I am a big messy tangle of impatient anxiety. We all need to calm the fuck down in one way or another.
Here’s a how the typical drama unfolds:
Sweetie Bird: “Maman, I can’t find this one very specific teeny tiny LEGO piece! Help me find it!”
Me: Did you look in the big yellow box? Did you sort through all the pieces in the set? Did you look on the floor?
SB: Yes!!! I looked EVERYWHERE! (getting upset and very high-pitched)
Me: (helping him look) Sweetie Bird, I don’t see it here. Can you find a substitute?
SB: NOOOOO! (crying and screaming now) I need this piece. It has to be this color. I don’t have any like that in the yellow box!
Me: Why not take a break and have a snack with me, then you can look for it again and you might just see it where you didn’t see it before.
SB: NOOOOO! You don’t take breaks when you’re doing something!
Me: (thinking hard about day drinking) Sweetie Bird, you’re getting very upset. I know you are frustrated, but is crying and screaming helping you find your LEGO?
SB: Noooooooo… but Maman! It isn’t anywhere in the whole world!
Me: Let’s take a deep breath or do some silly dancing. It will make you feel better.
SB: THAT WON’T WORK! THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP ME FEEL BETTER IS TO FIND MY LEGO!!!
Whoa! These scenes often last 20 minutes or more. For a fucking plastic LEGO I inevitably find under the coffee table or right in front of his face when he finally gets hold of himself.
Enter the vague memory that I need to go dig out that box of mindfulness stuff…
Don’t those kids there on the right look so much happier than those surly looking grumpy-poo-pies on the left? I’ll take the ones on the right, please!
We are only just getting started – I’ve opened the box and started reading the very nice, detailed pdf instructions that came with the kit. I know this approach has something to offer us if we just get over this initial inertia to put it into practice.
The good news is we can move slowly. In fact, that is what’s recommended. Five minutes a day is a great start! No rigid schedule, no shame, no guilt. Just go at your own pace.
Cool. Because my kid is…recalcitrant…to say the least. He may need a boost in emotional intelligence, but his regular intelligence is a bit much sometimes. I can’t get anything by him. He. does. not. want. to. hear. about. this. shit. Well, I can’t survive many more of his apocalyptic meltdowns over plastic, so he’s gonna hear about it till things improve.
But rather than making him look at the PeaceMaker cards – which he automatically rejects so far – I started talking to him about myself and my own issues with anxiety in the car the other day and that went a lot better.
I told him I needed some quiet because I was feeling really anxious just then and asked him if he knew what that meant. No, he did not, so I explained that I worry about things a lot, usually for no good reason and it causes me a lot of stress, so I have to find ways to help myself worry less and feel better.
Then we talked about papa’s impatience with him in the morning when he is moving so slowly and not listening.
Finally, we made our way around to him and his flare ups of anger and frustration over small things and how it makes him feel. When we got home, I convinced him to help me make a list of things he could do when he’s feeling out of control to calm down. The list included five minutes of pogo stick time, singing a silly song, weird dancing, running while we time him, and the like.
The kit includes lots of props for helping parents talk to kids about emotions. Great for vocabulary, too!
These are the core principles of Generation Mindful. All things I can support!
I don’t think this is going to be easy, but I think it’s like anything with kids – if you take some time to do the hard thing now, you’ll be so much better off in the long run.
Have you tried this method? If so, what has been your experience? I would love to hear from you about it. I will check in to track our progress from time to time.
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