My son was an only child for five and a half years. They say that oldest children and only children listen to more adult conversation, so they learn adult vocabulary, too.
Just for fun, I picked a few recent gems that had me almost crying. Since my precocious little Sweetie Bird almost never stops talking, it’s a good thing he is funny AF. Otherwise, I’d need a lot more of daytime cocktails. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
A child’s parenting advice:
Me: Sweetie Bird, I would really appreciate it if you took the compost out after we finish our tea. Can you do that for me? [Yeah – we drink tea together. We’re fancy like that.]
SB: Yeah, but if you want me to do it you are gonna have to tell me we can’t go for a bike ride unless I do it first.
Me: … [this kid] You want me to give you an ultimatum? ok…we can’t go on a bike ride till you do it!
Later that night…
Me: Sweetie Bird, you better put away the laundry or I won’t feed you dinner!
SB: Maman, that one won’t work because I know you won’t do that.
Me: … [worth a try]
On growing up:
SB: Maman, today at school I kissed X*** on the lips!
Me: Was she ok with that? Remember, you don’t touch or kiss people without their permission.
SB: Yes, maman.
[Later, in the back yard where Sweetie Bird and X*** are having a playdate.]
SB: Maman, I kissed X*** on the lips again and then we peed on a tree and X*** showed me her uterus!
[He’s trying to kill me. Exchange stony faced glances with X***’s mom and pretend everything is fine. Everything is not fine. I die. I am dead. I have been dead ever since that day.]
A few days later:
Me: [changing Baby Bird’s diaper]
SB: Maman, why do you have to wipe Baby Bird’s uterus?
Me: Sweetie Bird, that’s her vulva. Her uterus is on the inside. You can’t see anyone’s uterus on the outside unless there’s a very big problem. [Send help!]
Misheard bad words and verbed words:
SB: Maman, I’m gonna pillow up the couch and pile a crap of blankets on top so I can read to Baby Bird.
Me: [bracing my pelvic floor and trying to compute]: um, you’re gonna put a what of blankets?
SB: a crap of blankets! I’m gonna puff up Baby Bird on top so I can read to her.
Me: [ignoring erroneous use of “crapload” to the best of my abilities]: That sounds dangerous. You can’t put her on a six-foot high pile of blankets.
Arguments I will never win about the merits of eating boogers:
SB: Maman, today at school we ate our boogers and it was good!
Me: Sweetie Bird, that is disgusting (my first mistake). Boogers are gross. Don’t do that.
SB: Boogers are FRESH!
Me: SALAD is fresh. Boogers are dirty and dry and crusty.
SB: My boogers are fresh and delicious! [looks me in the eye and eats one]
Me: [breaking eye contact] Knock yourself out, weirdo. It’s your body.
[ugh]
Discussions about nutrition:
SB: Maman, did my lunch have all the food groups? Are there vegetables?
Me: Yes.
SB: What about fruit?
Me: Yes. And grains, but not much protein.
SB: Ice cream is protein rich!
Me: Oh, really? Who told you that?
SB: [totally got ice cream that day]
Did you say something?
SB: Maman, did you know blah, blah, blah… x1000
Me: …
SB: Maman! I’m trying to talk to you and you’re ignoring me!
Me: Yes, I am. You noticed!
SB: …
Me: [Victory. Short-lived, but victory nonetheless.]
Medical discussions:
SB: [explaining to me at great length how he supposedly cut himself on a perfectly smooth wooden ball for the baby.]
Maman, do you wanna know how I cut myself on the wood ball?
Me: Enlighten me.
SB: Well, it looks round, but when you look in a stethoscope, there’s millions of tiny pieces of wood.
Me: [I was wrong. I was not dead before, but I am now.]
Philosophical musings:
SB: Maman, does there have to be life?
Me: [oh god…] I don’t know, Sweetie Bird…
SB: Maman, what if there’s another world and they’re just dreaming about us and we’re just in a dream?
Me: … [Wondering if Descartes is appropriate bed time reading for a 6yo. I got nothing]T
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